Whether you’re in a relationship or looking for a new relationship, stroke can cause challenges. But there are practical things you can do to help.

Your stroke is likely to be just as life-changing for your partner as it is for you. This can put your relationship under a lot of strain. Your roles in daily life may change, which can take some time to get used to. If your partner is helping to care for you or taking on new tasks at home, it could affect the balance of your relationship and how you see each other. Other things can affect intimacy, like communication difficulties, low mood or anxiety.

You may both find it difficult to talk about how you feel, because you think you should ‘stay strong’ for each other. But if you do not discuss your feelings, tension and resentment can build up between you both. It may be that one of you would like to have sex, while the other has lost interest in it, doesn’t feel ready for it, or does not have the energy or same levels of desire as they had before. This could become a source of tension if it’s not resolved. Openly discussing your feelings, listening to each other and recognising how you both feel are the first steps in sustaining a positive, healthy relationship.

‘I know that dating a stroke survivor with aphasia is quite hard. But I am not defined by my health. It is what it is, you’ve got to get up and get on. So I’m going on dates and I’m excited.’

Amber, stroke survivor

Help with relationship changes

Talk about your feelings

Talk to your partner about the things you’re finding difficult. Try to work out what you could both do to make things easier. Tell them how you’re feeling and listen to what they want to say. Try reading this information and talking about it together.

You may feel awkward about bringing up the subject of sex. But having an honest conversation about what you’re finding difficult is the first step to making changes. Set aside a time to talk when you will not be interrupted and choose a place where you both feel comfortable. Sometimes, it’s easier to talk about sex away from the bedroom, so neither of you feels under pressure. Take it in turns to talk and listen carefully to each other.

Tips for having conversations

You and your partner might disagree about things. With the stress of stroke, you may find you argue more than you used to. Whatever you and your partner are feeling is okay. Stroke can turn lives upside down and it’s bound to take time to adjust. The following tips may help:

• Pick your time. Try to make time for conversations when you are both fairly relaxed.
• Try to say ‘I’ rather than ‘you’. For example, saying: ‘I would like it if you tried to talk to me more’ will probably be received much better than: ‘You never talk to me.’
• Try to acknowledge what the other person has said by repeating it back to them, before sharing your own point of view.
• Take a break if you need to.

Some people have communication problems that affect speaking or understanding speech. A speech and language therapist can help you and your partner find ways to communicate with each other. It can be difficult, but try to be patient. Things should get better with time and you will find a way to say what you want to each other.

Enjoy time together

It doesn’t have to be all talking! Try finding time as a couple to do an activity you both enjoy, to help you feel more connected. If you cannot do all the things you used to do, this could be an opportunity to try something new together. Be creative. It can also be nice to remind each other what brought you together and what you really love about your partner.

Your relationship might feel less like an equal partnership sometimes. For example, if you always used to take the bins out or organise finances, but cannot anymore because of your stroke, this may feel difficult for both of you. Talk to your partner and come up with some ways you can both contribute to the relationship.

‘My husband and I have developed a new sense of humour. We laugh at things most people wouldn’t find funny and this helps us to cope. Our relationship has become stronger. For example, we never used to have breakfast together. Now we spend most mornings together and we really enjoy it.’

Jo, wife of stroke survivor

Consider professional help with relationships

Talking about your feelings is difficult, even with someone close to you. It can often help to get professional support. Relationship counselling can give you a safe space to find a way through the difficulties you’re facing.

Single people can also go to relationship counsellors. If you’re in a couple, you can choose to go alone or with your partner. Usually, a counsellor will ask you questions so you, and your partner if you have one, can talk about what’s going on and how you feel.

Sex therapy can help single people and couples focus on the physical aspects of relationships. A sex therapist can help you work out how to handle problems and find a solution that works for both of you. The work you do with a therapist will be based on talking, but they can offer advice and suggest things for you to try at home.

See below for details of organisations that provide relationship counselling and sex therapy.

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